Sore, Hungry, Tired
Sep. 21st, 2004 11:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
talyenIs that a theme for me?
I made the decision to wait on getting pregnant. Yes, wait again, and for good reasons, such as unresolved abuse issues that will undoubtably need to be addressed both in the context of Catherine and my relationship, as well as before becoming a mother. So that's the long and the short of it.
I've been really down since Friday, I think because I know now that I'm going to have to go through abuse stuff again. It's awful, even this many years removed, to not only remember things, but to have to tell them to another person, to spread my wounds open for both of us to see. And yet, I want to become more of who I might be able to be. It just sucks: getting there, knowing that I'm not there, wishing for a past I never had, and for a future me I didn't get, either. Sometimes, i just want to avoid the whole mess.
So I ran harder than I ever have, or at least it feels like I did. I've not been this muscle-sore after a run in a really long time. I want to be running right now. Instead, I am "working" and eating and listening to CDs on my virtual XP box at work. But I'll run when I leave here. Maybe I don't have to go to my meeting tonight, if I don't want to. Last night, at drum class, I was less than useless, and today I feel the same or worse, so maybe it would be a good day to take a bath after my run, or something else that will make me feel somehow less useless. I could take my dog for a walk, or something.
I've gotten what I wanted at work: my boss is starting to redefine my role. At least, I think she is. I am doing a lot of policy/precedure and coordination work, and I think she's moving me away from technical detail work. Without losing track of what's going on, I'd rather be working at a higher level, coordinating both people on my team towards common goals, and between my team and others. So it looks like there is motion in that direction. I hope it continues.
And I'm tired, because my damn dog woke me up at three am, and whined for over an hour. At which point, I let her outside, and she was quiet for just over an hour. She is sleeping in the kitchen for the rest of her life, starting tonight. I just can't take it: I need to get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep, and when I have that opportunity, her interruption because she wants to be fed early is just too much for me.
I made the decision to wait on getting pregnant. Yes, wait again, and for good reasons, such as unresolved abuse issues that will undoubtably need to be addressed both in the context of Catherine and my relationship, as well as before becoming a mother. So that's the long and the short of it.
I've been really down since Friday, I think because I know now that I'm going to have to go through abuse stuff again. It's awful, even this many years removed, to not only remember things, but to have to tell them to another person, to spread my wounds open for both of us to see. And yet, I want to become more of who I might be able to be. It just sucks: getting there, knowing that I'm not there, wishing for a past I never had, and for a future me I didn't get, either. Sometimes, i just want to avoid the whole mess.
So I ran harder than I ever have, or at least it feels like I did. I've not been this muscle-sore after a run in a really long time. I want to be running right now. Instead, I am "working" and eating and listening to CDs on my virtual XP box at work. But I'll run when I leave here. Maybe I don't have to go to my meeting tonight, if I don't want to. Last night, at drum class, I was less than useless, and today I feel the same or worse, so maybe it would be a good day to take a bath after my run, or something else that will make me feel somehow less useless. I could take my dog for a walk, or something.
I've gotten what I wanted at work: my boss is starting to redefine my role. At least, I think she is. I am doing a lot of policy/precedure and coordination work, and I think she's moving me away from technical detail work. Without losing track of what's going on, I'd rather be working at a higher level, coordinating both people on my team towards common goals, and between my team and others. So it looks like there is motion in that direction. I hope it continues.
And I'm tired, because my damn dog woke me up at three am, and whined for over an hour. At which point, I let her outside, and she was quiet for just over an hour. She is sleeping in the kitchen for the rest of her life, starting tonight. I just can't take it: I need to get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep, and when I have that opportunity, her interruption because she wants to be fed early is just too much for me.
