Baby

[talyen]

I had an appointment yesterday with the Reproductive Endocrinologist who is helping me get pregnant. It's official, I have a fertility issue, and it's not just that my partner isn't capable of performing the honors for me. I can get pregnant (it's been done one time already), but I can't carry a pregnancy without help. And I have to decide now if I want to get pregnant, because there are treatments and all kinds of stuff I'll have to go through. And if the first procedures don't work to make the pregnancy "stick," there's another way that's much more expensive and painful, but might work. And I'm not a candidate for the in-vitro methods, since my chance of miscarriage is very large.

The horror for me is that I really have to decide now. Now. Like, if I want to go through with the next battery of tests to find out if my body can be pursuaded to carry a pregnancy, I have to start on drugs Tuesday or Wednesday next week, followed in another week and a half by ultrasounds and a big shot, followed a week later by blood tests. If all of that goes well, I can try to get pregnant about three weeks after that. Trying is expected to last 3 - 6 months, and would include drugs and shots each time. If I continue to get pregnant and miscarry, then it's up to the expensive, painful shots to keep a pregnancy, with some possibilty that they would work.

Do I really want to be a single mom? Can I afford to have a baby? Do I really want it, or is it just part of the fantasy of my future that I've carried around for the past 24 years, a fantasy which also included having a PhD and a stable relationship, and did not include suicide attempts and fifteen years of trying to find my self-esteem. Is it time to adjust my desires to my life circumstances? Do I want to do something so uncertain and unknown? Do I want to give up the social life and activities I enjoy? Would I be able to handle my body changing like that, and the lack of exercise? Is it time to learn to deal with being childless?

After the doctor visit yesterday, I went to Catherine's, and she held me and we napped. I wanted to hide from the future - it feels like it's stalking me. That, or I wanted to run until all I could do was fall over into bed at night - I guess I either run or hide from facing the inevitable. Yesterday, I could barely face that I have to make a decision, let alone how to make it. I'm terrified of making this decision, and of making the wrong choice.

Why can't I have the fantasy? Where is my life partner and the child(ren) we both want and raise together? I'm sure we all feel this way at some point - how do I deal with these big things?

How do I know what's possible for my future?

Comments

Fantasy vs Real Life

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

We had a version of this talk before, but the basic part is that nothing is ever perfect and sometimes you just have to do it.

Your friends will be there for you more or less and some of them might surprise you.

I hate making big decisions myself, that and waiting for the fantasy has left me sitting alone with a back spasm at 44 so all advice I give is tainted however.

I can help with the Fusion Programming stuff if you want so you can focus on the child issue.

Re: Fantasy vs Real Life

[talyen.livejournal.com]

You're making a good point. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I'm not exactly where I am simply because that's where I need to be: single at 39, and childless. Maybe the fantasy isn't really mine, but leftovers from something I grew up believing?

I'm not sure. And I don't want another person's life hanging in the balance. Heck, I'm not sure I want mine there, either.

Sometimes I am very sure that I want kids, though. Just not all the time, and not when I feel so incapable.

Thanks for the offer of help and advice. They are meaningful to me.

Re: Fantasy vs Real Life

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Based on what I know of you I think you will be a good parent.

Agewise my friend Kyle had her first at 43!

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

I cannot imagine being a single mom. This is not to say that you should not do it. But now that I'm parenting a baby, I'm awestruck by how difficult it can be, and I just don't know how single moms manage.

It's a tough decision you're faced with. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Difficult

[talyen.livejournal.com]

Exactly. My whole life will be centered around the baby, more so than I realize. And I have this amazing new relationship being nurtured and cherished, as well. How can I imagine being everything the baby needs, all by myself?

Re: Difficult

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

Yep. My whole life is centered around the baby, and I'm not a single mom.

You could be everything the baby needed, but that's probably *all* you could be for quite a little while, and that's a big sacrifice to make. If having a baby is important enough to you to make that sacrifice, then you should go for it.

why now?

[greyhat.livejournal.com]

.
Why is it not medically feasible for you to wait 6 months and then begin the treatment/shots/getting pregnant cycle? Even if you wait one month, that would give you some more breathing room to decide.

Although if you begin the treatment, it does not mean you have to follow through with it. You could change your mind pretty much at any time before each insemination attempt.

Re: why now?

[talyen.livejournal.com]

Part of the "now" thing is that, although I appear to be ovulating wonderfully (amazing at my age, apparently), there's no guarantee that it will continue. My ovaries are old, even if the rest of me feels in great shape.

You have a good point. I am thinking that I'll go through this month's treatments, see if they work, and then wait a couple months before making the next decision.

After all, my goals is to birth a female in April/May. Getting pregnant in November just doesn't make sense!

Re: why now?

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

You know that you're way more likely to have a boy, right?

Re: why now?

[talyen.livejournal.com]

With the IUI procedure, it appears to be almost 50% possible to get a girl. If there's a way to stack the odds, I'm all for it. A boy would be wonderful, but a girl would be easier as a single parent, and because I've always wanted a girl to share things with, like Festival.