Routines

Last night I had an almost-pre-C evening: running, lifting, shopping, laundry, eating-and-reading, more laundry, cleaning, journaling. Except for missing her, and talking on the phone, and wanting to drum, it was a similar routine to my pre-dating days. After almost 6 weeks, I am more used to less time to myself, and use it very efficiently when I have it. If I have more time tonight, I may be able to get done all the things I used to do on Saturday morning. Admittedly, I was only at the point of running daily for a short while before getting involved with my last girlfriend. And that's another story entirely.

Anyway, the point is that being in this relationship, which is so different from any other, is starting to become part of my routine, and life is shifting toward balance between all my different needs. There is so much to balance: old hobbies, commitments, work, alone time; and new hobbies, a new person's needs, stretching and changing the time spent away from home. What I'm noticing most is how much I am able to do the things I normally do - I am not forced to make choices between things I want to do, and seeing C or doing something with her. I am not having to make choices that result in sacrifices of anything other than time at home with the cats and dog. That's really nifty, and I am really happy.

The other balancing act is believing. I teeter between knowing that she is there, wanting me; and being scared that she isn't, or doesn't. If you only knew how hard it is to believe that she feels the way she does, you could understand what a feat it is for me to believe more often than not. It's a new experience - she's feels about me the way I've wanted someone to do, the way no one has felt about me, and so there's much more to believe, much more to practice and learn.

I guess you could say that I am currently feeling calmly joyful.